What i m listening reflect my mood - Rentrer En Soi

ell, that's common though. Right now i m really depressed, i have a lot of problems in my mind. Right now, i m working as a Research Assistant, and we conduct a research about Mesh Wireless Network. The scale is quite big, for Post graduate actually, but i got permission from my supervisor that under grad like me can join the team. Even though i m not good enough, but i will try my best. But after, one week i felt that i m really stupid. All of the people in my lab is really nice but they are too good to me. I can't do anything and i don't know anything. I won't use "age" as an excuse here so i consider myself is really low compared to them. I feel really depressed because of that and additionally i still affected by "her". I was dumped by really lovely girl at early of this month, and yes i was sad about this too. So these two problems affect my mood a lot. Fortunately because of my family and my friends gave me so much encouragements i can regain my spirit back. Well, that was really tough even though i still feel it right now.

That time i listened to Rentrer En Soi

The name RENTRER EN SOI means something along the lines of "return in self" in French, and this theme of self-reflection was an important theme to the five band members. During their career of seven years, their music was always evolving and they had a lot to offer: quite complex, melodious and sometimes heavy songs combined with Satsuki's low, despairing growls. On the other hand, melancholic and dream-like songs, which are complimented by graceful and emotional vocals, are also found in the band's extensive discography.

Their looks also changed drastically over the years. They started as a visual kei band with medieval period inspired costumes but in the latter years of their career they adopted a more mature and casual look.
Source: http://www.jame-world.com/us

My favorite play lists : (i will add the audio streaming tomorrow)
Album: RENTRER EN SOI [2008.11.19] AIN SOPH AUR


1. STIGMATA
2. LAST SCENE
3. TO INFINITY
4. PROTOPLASM
5. I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE

PV of Rentrer En Soi
Last Scene

Collection of Status which i posted in my FB account May-April

Well, "life is wonderful" someone told me this sentence, embarrassing?no...not really. Actually i m dark, gloomy and pessimistic (most of my friends told me that i m very optimistic though). I always think realistically about this world so that's why i often feel sad and depressed. I have a lot of troubles that i can't finish and it affects my daily life for sure. So when that person said to me that "life is wonderful, you can change your life not life change you". I m really surprised and motivated, that sentence gave me a lot of encouragements. Well that person does not really care about this i suppose. This is the first time someone who are in the same age as me make a deep impact inside my mind and yes i m a very TROUBLESOME person. No wonder why many people can't understand and accept me (including that person unfortunately). They think that i am a gloomy and little bit crazy and that's the truth except the crazy part though. I like to show my sad expression to the people because when i show it, people will abandon and leave me and i can be alone most of the time. I love being alone, that's all. I express my feeling through this....

Ok...let's start...
The collections my status which i posted at my Facebook status....
April 22 at 8:06pm "You love someone because you think that you love him/her, you hate someone because you think that you hate him/her. The best way is to forget all of the memories in your mind, keep going forward and always think about yourself no matter what happened. This is not time to idling around because someone, head banging all day long to forget all the unimportant and unnecessary things."
April 25 at 8:43pm "Hah...can't nurture my mind over her, i know it's already impossible..."

April 26 at 11:56am "Why her face looks so beautiful? Blissful mind taking over me, yet impossible for me to moving forward towards her. The continuation of my dilemma!!!"
April 27 at 8:49am "Can i really love someone else?and in the other hand i m just a dumb chicken who afraid of losing...I hate myself and want to die"
April 28 at 9:55am "Hopefully i can find a new hope that brings me a bright life and put me back in the line!!! I m so complicated and dark yet she is so simple and bright, can i really move towards the same direction as her? and can i really make her mine? only the god knows, time will come!!!"
April 29 at 2:48pm "I don't believe in miracle yet i m waiting for a miracle to come this time Someone said this to me "We change our life not life change us" That was the time i started to wonder why god gives us a brain and heart."
April 30 at 5:32pm "It's already finish...I already know the outcome before asking her, still i m waiting for the miracle. Maybe because i am a sinner miracle won't get close to me...I am done for..."
May 1 at 8:02am "I found a new resolution last night...i don't want to give up yet...i know it's very hard but i will do my best to make her mine...no one else like her in this world,i feel that i am the best man for her and she is the best woman for me. It's sounds so ridiculous but at least i want to try again, if one time is not enough, i will try two times, if two times is not enough, i will try again until she loves me..."
May 2 at 8:49am "I just realized that she hates me and doesn't care about what i say to her...where should i start then?really tough...this one is the best challenge that i ever encounter in my life. I will not give up easily for her!!!"
May 3 at 1:22am "I know that you don't like me anymore, your affection towards me is just a bluff. The problem is you already captivate my mind, should i end it like this?"
May 3 at 5:10pm "I know that you already ignore me completely, though at that time you care about me so much. I know i made a mistake, when you need me i m not on your side. Now, on your head and heart is just "him". I know our time together is just too short and there is no chance for me to breakthrough your mind. I just want to protect you, that's all. Maybe this is the time to give you up. Time will heal my wound."
May 6 at 12:06am "You disappeared without a trace before my very own eyes...i know from deep of my heart that it's already finished...but part of my mind and heart still can't give up on you...just your existence is like a miracle for me. Ok, it was one sided after all. But at least i met a wonderful girl like you and i think no girls in this world can compare to you. Only the god knows what will happen next, and i hope...next time"
May 11 at 5:28pm "I know that i mean nothing to you right now. What can i do to make you care? What can i do to make you smile again at me? You make me feel endless pain once again even though i have had enough of that kind of feeling. But i must endure this bloody rain all alone. I can't think about you right now. I will prove to you that i am worthy to be by your side. May the god forgives me!"
May 13 at 5:00pm "You discard me from your life without a doubt. OK, from now on i won't disturb you anymore. I m sorry, i can't keep myself like this, i must face my feeling for you and this condition. Definitely you won't accept me even i prove myself to you. Thank you for everything, your encouragement means so much for me."
May 18 at 9:54am "Time flies without your presence, it was a great time for me even it's really short. But at least, i can love somebody else other than her even though loving you is also pointless. But this is life, you can't get everything that you want. Miracle won't come, it's obvious that i m not good enough for you and i don't have anything to be proud of. Maybe in the future i can find another love, may The God forgives me."
May 20 at 12:43am "I messed up, why i can't concentrate on this research? almost 1 week doing useless things...My reports are far from done... i lost my passion... I already don't fucking care about the other problem at all but still all i did is just idling around doing nothing like a lazy bum. This is not the real me...i need to get back on track as soon as possible... or else i will disappoint my supervisor.... I have pride..."
May 21 at 9:02pm "I thought you are the one who can give me the feeling of calmness and i thought that you are everything to me. You was everything to me, Even though I promised just an infinite world that wouldn't come to an end. With my eyes cast down, i seem to lose sight of even eternity. Inside of the time the too faint memories with you are torn apart.Will I completely disappear from your memory? May The God forgives me"
May 23 at 1:33am"I know that you already disappear before my very own eyes, but still your shadow keep flashing across my mind...just your existence give so much encouragements...i know that loving you is useless and pointless yet i don't want to give up on you...i don't want to repeat the same mistake again...please give me a chance to prove myself...this is the first time i need someone this much...may The God forgives me..."
May 25 at 1:02am "I know already that it's pointless and useless waiting for you, i must forget about you completely or else your shadow will affects my life.It's hard and i must make up my mind this time. Your words of encouragements still ringing in my mind. It's really short and it's shame that i can't know you better. Right now, i want to nurture my mind over you.My final solution "ignorance is a bliss".Miracle won't come for sure"

There is no shortcut to success

Most of the youngsters these days always think that success is easy to achieve. They think that there are many shortcuts to success, that's entirely false. There is one proverb in English"There is no shortcut to success". The way most of the youngsters do exam is one of the good example. The students love to cheat when they take their exam, they do that because they think that they can get good mark without studying hard all night long. They don't understand that there is no benefits of getting good mark with cheating. The "effort" is the most important thing. They forget that the true objective of education is to make a good characteristics of human being so they can be accepted in the social live. So, there is no point of getting good mark and considered as a liar at the same time. Result can be achieved with effort. Success needs time and effort. No shortcut can help us. So work hard everyday in every aspects of human lives and you will achieve a great thing sooner or later. That's the way the world works.

Idiom Story (Not Real Story ^_^)

Actually, back in my junior high school days, i love to horse around everytime. I went to famous school at that time because i got high score in my final exam(elementary school final exam), the school is located in the center of the city. So Shopping Mall, Arcade and Cinema are common places to visit after school. And i am still in early of teenager period, so things like searching for a girlfriend and playing around with friends all day long are normal. My parents scold me many times before, but i never listen to them. This is one of my biggest regret in my life until now. The result is i entered random senior high school and after that, i studied seriously and tried my hardest. 

After that, my senior high school day became boring and like song called "I Hate Myself and I Want to Die", that time i hate myself a lot because i can't play around with my friends and always studying until my last breath!!!That's the consequence of being lazy in the past. After, that bitter experience, i am starting to change my self.